2 months

Well it has been over two months since we began our year-long shopping fast. Overall it has been pretty uneventful. The reality is I do not miss shopping one bit. But I do sometimes miss the spoils of shopping!

Once I realized that new stuff was off the table for the next year, I quickly saw the role that new stuff plays in my life - particularly when my life seems a bit boring. There is nothing like a new outfit or toy to make life exciting again - whether or not I already have five coats in the closet - THIS coat is just so cute and will be a perfect addition to my other clothes!

The truth is - minus the shopping I have to be immersed more in the less-than-exciting seasons of my life...

Yet in the midst of it I have seen God provide in such amazing ways. Most recently a member of my congregation came to my home to work with my wardrobe - she is a professional wardrobe consultant - and she offered to work with me free of charge. She went through all my winter clothes and put together amazing outfits with the things I already owned. It was like I was looking at someone else's clothes! I didn't have to buy anything - and yet it all seemed new.

It made me wonder - what if we tried to get more mileage out of the things we already have? What if we simply put something in a different place, or combined our clothing differently, or rearranged our living room? Are there small changes that can freshen up our lives without requiring us to make another purchase? I think this will be a new part of this challenge for Steve and I as we continue with our shopping fast - how do we use what we already have in new ways?

I also think that many of us are so quick to provide for ourselves (particularly when life seems boring) that we do not give God the chance to bless us with an unexpected gift. Perhaps disrupting our shopping schedule - putting off getting something new - might make some space in our lives for God to show up in tangible ways.

In a culture of instant gratification it is no wonder so many of us feel like God is distant - maybe we have to de-clutter a bit and take the Psalmists' advice - 'Wait for the Lord, take heart, and wait for the Lord.'

Surrender

I have a confession to make: There has been a slow, steady resentment towards God building in my heart for quite some time.

I hate to admit it - but there it is.

I have wrestled, struggled, fought, yelled, groaned, screamed - I have come close to cursing.

I have tried to ignore it, get over it, pray it out, sleep it off - to no avail.

No matter my efforts - there is remains.

Then, leaving the gym the other day, God hit me with some very much needed perspective. I was grumbling, complaining, trying to not be angry - when God broke into my stream of thoughts with this profound word:

"The only reason you are angry with me is because you have a plan - and I am not giving you what you expect me to give you. But did you ever think that I might have a different plan for you?"

There it was. The whole situation laid out for me.

The resentment in my heart was not because God had failed me - but because I had grown into this expectation that all of my desires are synonymous with God's desires for me...so if said desires are not being met, it means that God is mean, withholding, and unkind.

I can see how crazy this is on the flip side - I realize that I do not really have the right to demand how God moves in my life. In fact, I need to be bringing my desires before God with an open and honest heart - yet ending with 'Not my will, but yours be done.'

Really, this is all about surrender. Am I in charge, or is God? Is it my way, or do I have someone much bigger than me, with a much greater perspective directing me?

A surrendered heart is not an easy thing. It means letting go of control. It means releasing even the most well-intentioned and best-laid plans. It means trusting that while my plan looks really good - God's plan is better.

Better for all sorts of reasons. If I believe that God created me - ever fiber of my being - then I would have to conclude that God probably knows me better than I know myself. So demanding that God give me something that ultimately might not be the best thing for me goes against God's nature.

Now I know there are some people freaking out about free-will and God not fitting us in a box and the freedom to choose. I believe all those things. And yet I have come face-to-face with my own arrogance - my own demanding spirit. When it comes down to it - I often believe that I know best - and if I don't get what I want then God is in the wrong.

A surrender heart trusts. I have a hard time trusting - even trusting God - maybe especially trusting God. But this is the state of my heart - it needs to surrender - or else the resentment will soon poison me and seep into all areas of my life. I need to stop trying to stuff God into my shambled box of a plan - and trust that God does indeed know what is best.

So, the prayer of my surrendered heart "Okay, I surrender. Not my will, but yours be done. Please."

Stability

"My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed."

-Psalm 57:8

I have written many times on this blog how I suffer from wanderlust - the ever-present desire to be somewhere else - somewhere new - somewhere unexplored. The problem with wanderlust is it is just that - a lust. It is based on fantasy - on desire - but not the life-bringing kind of desire, but the consuming desire that distracts and pulls the heart away from reality.

Wanderlust is founded on the belief that there is something better out there - something that I have not found yet. A better place, that will make me happier, where all my hopes and dreams will be fulfilled. Wanderlust is about escape.

Lately I have felt God calling me to what the Benedictines call 'The Vow of Stability.' Not stability in terms of mental health - but in terms of commitment. It is a vow to be where I am now, in this place, with these people, at this time. It is about choosing to stay. It is about accepting where I am - not trying to escape to somewhere else.

Stability is about submission. It is about recognizing that God has sent me where I am, and I won't leave until God releases me. Stability makes me terribly uncomfortable.

See - I want to focus on what else is out there. I want to submit to the fantasy that somewhere 'out there' (wherever there happens to be) the perfect place, the perfect people, the perfect circumstances are waiting for me. I can escape the discomfort of where I am by running to where I have yet to be. I don't have to deal with imperfect places, people, and circumstances - as long as I have a way out.

Esther de Waal in her book Seeking God: The Way of St. Benedict says of stability:

The stability of space and relationships are all the means towards the establishment of stability of the heart. They are only reflections of inner stability, of an internal unity and coherence.

See, what I am learning is that my desire to be somewhere other than where I am is reflective of my inner life. It means that I think God is somewhere else out there - not right where I am. That God is not found in my ordinary responsibilities - my day to day routine. That God is only found the in momentous parts of my life - the exciting, the new, the unexplored. It reflects an instability of heart.

So I am trying to be where I am - accepting the limitations that come with stability - but also being open to the gifts that come with it. The gift of being known - in my weaknesses, limitations, and flaws. The gift of familiarity. The gift of comfort. The gift of normalcy. The gift of settling in. The gift of accepting flawed and limited places and relationships as enough - and not just enough - but exactly the material through which God is revealed.

The invitation to stay - not just in person, but also in heart and mind - is a challenging one. It is one that I struggle with and against. At first it feels like a straight-jacket restricting me - holding me down - keeping me from being free. But as I slowly begin to accept it - melt into it - I realize that indeed it is more like an embrace of a loving parent with a thrashing child in their arms. I am that thrashing child - this place, these people, these circumstances are the embrace that hold me until I stop fighting and simply allow myself to be loved - flaws and all.

"My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed."

A flippant heart

"[Flippancy] is a thousand miles away from joy..."

C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

I have been co-leading a book group on The Screwtape Letters for the last four weeks. It has been an insightful venture into the various things that distract us from staying in relationship with God. It is a disturbing book, because it is one of the clearest mirrors that can be help up in front of you.

Last night our conversation centered around the small things that deaden our hearts and slowly move us away from the life God wants us to have. The thing that has stuck with me was our discussion on joy and flippancy. Someone said last night that flippancy is contagious - and we agreed that joy is as well. Yet when one is present it makes it nearly impossible for the other to show up. As Lewis says, Flippancy and joy are thousands of miles apart - a distance that is hard to cross.

Lewis says flippancy acts as if the joke has been said, though no one actually ever needs to make it. Indeed, those who are flippant have already assumed that whatever the topic - it has a ridiculous side that is just waiting to be exposed. Flippancy deadens the heart - it dulls us from desire and hope. Flippancy creates an armor around the heart.

Joy, on the other hand, exposes the heart in the purest and most vulnerable of ways. It makes things clear - there is no ridicule or cynicism. Joy rejoices in what it sees - and calls attention to and delights in whatever is in front of it. Joy invites others to 'come and see.' Joy brings the heart to life - and you cannot hide the rapid beating which ensues.

I know that my heart is capable of both flippancy and joy. I am not immune to either - though there have been times when I wish I was immune to both. Flippancy protects me from my fears, from my anger, from my disappointment and confusion. Flippancy helps me cope. Joy, on the other hand, brings me to life. Yet it makes me even more vulnerable to the disappointment that comes with life.

I have come to realize that while joy scares me - flippancy kills me. When I am in the presence of someone who is being flippant - particularly with issues of faith - it leaves scars on my heart. I feel like I must hide my hope for joy, because it too will be seen as ridiculous and worthy of mocking. Joy invites one to come into the light - Flippancy draws people deeper into the shadows.

So, as I take an inventory of my heart - I see the damage that my own flippancy and the flippancy of others has done. And I see joy beckoning me to trust and follow - but it is hard because when one chooses joy they are exposed - they are shown to be one who wants, who hopes, who desires.

I am those things - but do I want you to see that?

Well, I'm not so sure.

But if I have to choose a camp - I think I am going to start making the thousand mile trek out of flippancy towards joy...

Blog Hiatus

Sorry that this blog has been on hiatus for the last few weeks. Lots of changes going on here with a new senior pastor starting at Trinity this week, and Steve and I were away on vacation the week before! So, as I am still trying to get my bearings as my schedule moves into full-swing - here are a few vacation photos for your enjoyment!

2 weeks

So it has been two weeks since Steve and I started our year without shopping. It has already been quite the experience.

Last week Steve and I were walking on the main street of a Fairfield County town that will go unnamed - and we looked around and were a bit disturbed by what we saw. The stores that lined the streets had beautiful displays - so beautiful that they called to you to 'come and see.' Honestly - we walked by a paper shop, and I thought "I could probably use some fancy paper - it looks so pretty in there." Paper? Really? I am not a paper person - I have the same stationary I bought five years ago when I thought that I would start writing letters. I have used it over the years - but clearly one box goes a long way! Why on earth would I go into a paper store? Simply because it looked cool - so I thought that naturally I should go in and look around...

We also saw a number of families walking the street - and we realized that this was their family outing - to go shopping together on a Saturday morning. It struck us that our culture has turned shopping into an activity that we participate in - rather than a necessity that we all must under-take. Shopping as entertainment - when you step back from it you realize it is a little absurd that we consider it a way to have fun...

Then on Sunday we were driving to church and we saw a bunch of signs for a Tag Sale. Steve made an off-hand comment that we should swing by an see if there is anything we need (side note - we *hate* tag/yard sales) - it was meant to be funny, but it sparked an interesting conversation. We realized that rather than running into a need, and then heading out to a store in order to meet the need - we preemptively shop to see if we need anything. What a strange definition of 'need.' You're not sure if you need anything, but might as well swing in and see - and usually you find something you needed but didn't know you needed. Crazy!

It makes me see that it is so easy to fall into the pattern of turning wants into needs. If I didn't know I needed it until I saw it - did I really need it? Or do I simply want it now that it is on my radar - and had I never seen it I would have been fine without it? There are far too many purchases I have made in my life based on a perceived need in the moment - but in reality I rarely use what I so desperately needed in the store.

What if we changed that one simple habit? Don't go to a store unless you have encountered a need (and not the 'I really need a new pair of shoes because I feel like I need them' kind of need). What if we waited until a need arose, and then really thought about if we truly need it, and if we do to go to the store, get it, and leave? How much less stuff would we accumulate? How much wasted material would we save? It is so easy to pick up a few extra things - while you're there anyways. What if we made a list - and stuck to the list?

I didn't think I would have my eyes opened to the shopping culture so quickly - but here I am realizing that the shopping patterns we fell into weren't choices we deliberately made...but none-the-less they became an acceptable model in our lives. Shopping as an activity - going into stores simply because they looked interesting - seeing if I need anything without knowing what I am actually looking for...all recipes for over-spending.

So - those are the lessons learned in the first two weeks....to be honest - I don't miss shopping at this point - I feel more free when I think that I actually won't buy stuff this year...but then again, it's only been two weeks...

lame

Having a sore back is the lamest...

I thought a little self-pity was in order.

That's all for today.

md